Hi!

My name is Cami Gilman. I am new to this whole blogging thing, but wanted to give it a shot! I have always loved writing and expressing my feelings in ways that can connect to people and give them something to relate to.

Here is some background information about me.. I am 24 years old, a dog lover/mother ( my child is my very large 142 pound German Shepherd). I like in the St Paul, MN area. My family is the most important thing to me, and they are the reason I am the person I am today. My parents are the most supportive, genuine, and caring people I have ever met. They always made sure I was happy and living my dream, even if that meant they had to make different sacrifices along the way. I was a competitive and collegiate gymnast up until the age of 20. I retired to due injuries, but am still completely in love with the sport. I grew up in a suburb of Kansas City, called Lees Summit. 

Along with many serious athletes, I was faced with a great deal of pressure, and had a few struggles. Being a female athlete in a sport where you basically are wearing an article of clothing that shows more than you would like, it can be very difficult to accept what you see. I have always been very competitive and somewhat of a perfectionist as some would say. Now, gymnastics was my life, but I would like to say I was grounded at least a little to where I had life outside of the chalky and icy hot filled gym. My senior year, I had a lot of pressure to decide what I was going to do with my gymnastics and academic career. I knew I wanted to continue doing the sport I had put my heart and soul into, so I focused everything on finding that perfect school. I ended up getting so involved with being the perfect candidate for NCAA gymnastics, that I took it a bit overboard. I thought that if I was just a bit stronger my skills would get better. If I were just a shade skinnier, my tumbling would sky rocket. Just a bit more flexible, my dancing would look like my idol, Nastia Liukin. Well, as many know, once something becomes an obsession, it is a battle to break. I became fixated on what I would eat and how I could be even better. I started the vicious and unforgiving cycle of restricting and over exercising. I was no where near aware of what that would turn into and how addicting that was going to be. I just wanted to be perfect, and I found it to be a way that I could cope with the stress of school and season. If I could control what I put in my body, then I was winning. Fast forward to March of my senior year...San Jose State called one night around 9 at night and my dad answered the phone. He told me that they wanted me to do gymnastics for the school. At that point, California sounded amazing. I was wanted. I commited to them the next day, wh ich happened to be the day right before the MO State Championships. I was thrilled to finally have that weight of where I was going lifted off my chest. Things started looking up. At the end of the year I was ready to move on to the next chapter of my life. June 1st 2010, my first day back to practice after Nationals and vacation, I was ready to relax and enjoy the summer with my teammates and learn some new stuff. During warm up, I was signing along to Katy Perry's "California Girls" and hearing comments from my teammates saying "Hey Cam, its you! You're a California girl now!" While laughing, I turned around to do my tumbling that consisted of two consecutive punch front tucks. The first front tuck, I landed and immediately knew something was wrong. My legs snapped futher back than normal and went numb. I fell directly on to my knees and remember hearing the pop, and got nervous. My coach before I had even rolled over to tell her that my legs hurt, had a bunch of ice bags and was stroking my hair saying just breathe and it will be ok. I knew right then it was a serious injury. Kim, my coach, is a wonderful human, but not always the most gentle person. She was the epitome of tough love and didn't let us get away with anything. I knew my life was going to change and I wasn't sure what I was going on to.

In August, I still headed to San Jose, and was determined to get back to gymnastics. I was completely unaware of how badly I was actually injured, and in typical gymnast and Gilman fashion, I ignored it for the most part and continued to train. I was 150% miserable in my decision to go to SJSU and wanted nothing more than to go home. My restricting habits had skyrocketd and I was terrified to look in the mirror. I cried everytime my parents would come visit, because that meant they had to leave. After a few months, I "retired" from gymnastics, thinking that was the best decision and I could continue my restricting without being tired at practice.  I remember one day, meeting my sister ( who at the time lived in the Bay Area) and my parents at an outlet mall before one of my classes. I was so upset that I had to get out of the car and see them because I knew my parents were leaving to go back home that night, and I didn't get to come with them. I finally decided at the end of my first year in college, that I missed gymnastics and wanted to continue. I knew I had to go down divisions per D1 NCAA rules, so I made contact with a D3 school, University of Wisconsin Whitewater. I took a visit and met with the coach and fell in love. I didn't want to leave during my visit and I knew I would be happy there. I returned in the fall eager and happy again, now that I had gymnastics back in my life and I was out of California. I still had those damaging eating disorder behaviors in my mind, but they had subsided for awhile. I ended up needing Achilles surgery right before season, due to having a tear. As dissapointing as that was, I was hoping I would be able to continue training on bars and possibly compete at Nationals in March. While being out for a while, I had put on some weight not being able to condition like the others. That had made those old habits pop right back up. I had learned that if I ate and then got rid of it, I could eat whatever I wanted so it didn't cause any attention or look suspicious while out with the team and not ordering anything. Well, that went on for awhile until one of my best friends on the team went to the coach with concern and mentioned my habits. I was so mad at the time and hurt that she betrayed my trust, without realizing that it was for the best. It took me a very rough summer of tears and fear of food that went on into the next school year, when I finally gave up gymnastics to realize that what she did was probably the best thing that happened. Having my mom now aware of what was going on was terrifying because I didn't want to disappoint my parents and think I was just being dramatic. Now years later, I still have my mom to confide in when I have a bad day, or need someone to tell me I am being too hard on myself and to relax.

To this day, I still struggle at times and wonder if I will ever not have those feelings of needing to skip meals for the day, or just go purge it so things will get better. With all the hardship and ups and downs, I would not change that whole journey even if I could. It has made me realize what it is to work at something and overcome it and find positives in each situation. It lead me to my Bachelor's degree in Psychology. I know want to be able to help others who struggle and make an impact in someone's life like my mom, teammates/coaches, and counselors did in mine.

If you made it to this sentence, you rock and thanks for listening!!! Sorry for such a long post! Enjoy! :)